Thursday, July 30, 2009

Miguel Cotto's deal: No golf, Oscars, lobsters, Pacquaio rematch

Miguel “I’m No Angel” Cotto has a new promotional contract with his Uncle Bob Arum, formerly known as the Parsimonious Promoter until he flip flopped and decided to pay WBO sanction fees for Cotto and Manny Pacquiao,

Arum has done more gymnastics lately than Mary Lou Retton, contorting himself on the Nov. 14 title bout issue.

But the promoter overcame his reach impediment and his alligator arms and will go into his own pocket to pay the WBO fees.

I’ve learned exclusively (no one else cares, right Bob?) that there are some neat wrinkles in Cotto’s new deal including:

1. NO GOLF CLAUSE. As fallout from his totally coincidental golf round with rival Oscar de la Hoya, Cotto is not permitted to play golf, watch golf or to even eat a sand wedge at a golf course. This ban extends to miniature golf and to hitting the plastic balls into the clown’s mouth. Cotto cannot even mention the names of Tiger Woods or Ernie Els.

2. NO MALIGNING THE CRIMINAL HABITS OF ANTONIO MARGOCHEATO. While Harper Valley Hypocrite Arum demands a lifetime boxing ban for caught cheating trainer Panama Lewis, he seeks justice tempered with mercy for his Mexican clinet and Cotto victor, Antonio Margarito. Under his new TR deal,
Cotto can only say kind and wonderful things about the Plaster of Paris handwraps cheater. One suggestion was this, “Margarito has done more for the great Mexican people than Pancho Villa ever did.”

3. HANDWRAPPING IN WELL LIT ROOMS ONLY. Since Arum will throw Cotto in, after Pacquiao is done with him, into a revenge rematch against Tone Loc, it is specified that Antonio cannot come to the arena after having his cement handwraps put in place in a dark alley next to the Chicago Club in Tijuana. His wraps must be put on in a totally floodlit room with 10 SWAT cops and their Uzis carefully trained a few feet away from the surely nervous hand wrapper. This special place will be called “The Honesty Room” but has no connection to the CD of the same name by great singer Dar Williams. (Attention: Lucinda “Car Wheels On A Gravel Road“ Williams, I love you just as much as I do Dar!)

4. OSCAR BAN EXTENDS TO TELEVISION. Cotto promises in the contract that he will never use the expression “but Oscar says” in conversation, especially in media interviews. This ban on anything related to Oscar extends to the Academy Awards which Cotto promises not to attend or to even watch on TV. Cotto can only make reference to the movie honors by calling the famed awards “those little statuettes.”

5. OSCAR BAN EXTENDS TO EATING. I can now "re veal" that Cotto is not permitted to order Veal Oscar from any menu.

6. NO REMATCH CLAUSE WITH PACMAN. Even though he will put up a fearsome fight, Cotto knows Arum is using him for Pacman cannon fodder and thus has insisted on a No Rematch clause. There was no mention of any other claws, including those from lobsters or stone crabs. In the same vein, Cotto is prohibited from ever referring to the smaller Pacquiao as “that little shrimp from GenSan.”

Arum is investing heavily in shrimp distribution companies in Packy’s hometown although the highly religious promoter will steer clear of crustaceans as he considers them “treyf” meaning trash and cockroaches of the sea. “Lobsters are not kosher, they are losers,” Arum said. “I can’t sanction or stomach lobsters. I thought they were born red but it turns out they only get that way after a killer steam bath. Same thing happen to me. At my age, my skin has more wrinkles than Kim Kardashian’s backside. I’m so glad Reggie Bush finally dumped her! Now Matt Stolow, Dallas bachelor of the moment, has a real shot at being her next beau and I don’t mean Bo Belinsky.”

Source: (July 29, 2009)

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